Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
#oldknees
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣