British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.