Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
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I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.