Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
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French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks