All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Hot Panini is in big trouble
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.