I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.