You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”