There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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This kinda thing happens to me often
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.