Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.