[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
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He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.