Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
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Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
❤️❤️❤️
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.