Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.