[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
School be like
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
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