Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
that’s really how it is
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool