forgive me baja for i have blast
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie