How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing