My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Wednesday
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”