i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!