You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
You Might Also Like
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*