Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
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*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
no their not
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam