TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
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I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample