Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
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Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.