So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them