Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
They’re on their honeymoon
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.