Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro