I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
You Might Also Like
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
an octopus is just a wet spider
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking