Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
You Might Also Like
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.