If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
😍😂🥰😂😍
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.