What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?