Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
How all things should be taught/explained.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
How can I say no to this ?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
We’ve all been there
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good