IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭