Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
me logging onto twitter
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.