[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”