Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.