Very suspicious that this keeps happening
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Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Stop being racist to kettles.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I think we should hear other voices.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.