$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?