cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry