i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.