People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Best mom ever 😂
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!