Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.