[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Acronyms got me like WTF?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.