One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
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Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.