So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Baking is just science you can eat.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”