Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
You Might Also Like
I’ve been learning to cook.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I hate when that happens.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.