“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*