me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to