Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?