Me after 1 airport cocktail:
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Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
how to have fun when you’re poor
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
step 6: release the wall snake
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling