My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Jupiter
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
it be like that
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.