The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me